Making the holidays what you want them to be.

This year was a strange Christmas for us. It seemed like everything went wrong and yet it was a great holiday. In recent years we've been wanting to steer clearer and clearer from buying material gifts and giving more experiences. It's our family motto, "Less things, more experiences." So this year we could count how many gifts we gave our daughter on one hand. And yet, I laid in bed on Christmas Eve, riddled with guilt that maybe I wasn't doing enough. Should our house be filled with dozens of people instead of just the 4 of us (including my mom)? Should we have flown to visit family? My husband reassured me that we were trying to carve out our own holiday and what that means to us. "She's fine. It's going to be ok. She just wants to spend time with us" he said. 

I also really wanted to deliver some things to a refugee family I recently met. They had just arrived less than a month ago from Colombia and their home was still really bare. We had an extra television set we wanted to give them just so they could connect with the outside world. It's about 40 degrees right now in Washington D.C. and because they came from a warm climate, they were cold, don't have a car to go anywhere and were thus just stuck in their home with no connections outside of the home. We also wanted to bake them some Christmas cookies. Well... the cookies weren't finished by the time we had to leave, and after driving 40 minutes or so to their house we realized that we were missing a necessary part of the antenna so that they could get reception on the new TV. I was heartbroken. We had just given them a TV they couldn't watch. So, we rushed to BestBuy minutes before they closed for Christmas Eve and got the part we needed. In the end, we left a very happy family, watching TV in Spanish, a language they knew. They were so excited and we felt so at peace that we could make their transition to a foreign country just a little easier. 

We forgot several ingredients from our usual Christmas dinner and had to rush to find open supermarkets that would have what we needed. After all of that chaos, we sat down together, enjoyed a meal on Christmas Day and hung out all day in our pajamas. It couldn't have been sweeter. And so it appears that my panic attack the night before was for nothing. Our daughter's Christmas was great. We spent time together, laughed, baked, and helped others. I don't think I'd change anything. 

Happy Holidays from all of us to all of you. 

Doing the work.

Today, as I prep for the holidays I still have lots of work to do. As we fight to do good work, sometimes that means taking the good with the bad, or eating your shit sandwich as Elizabeth Gilbert puts it. Great video below on the subject. 

Today this means currently having 4 jobs. 4 JOBS! I do my birth photography work, run the Refugee Memories Project, edit for other photographers and work part time in the Emergency Department of a local hospital. I'm freaking exhausted... I didn't even count being a mother and wife as one of my responsibilities. I don't see it as a job so much as part of my life. Really it's the part of my life I wish I did more of.  So... for now, living the dream, or more like working the dream and that includes working my ass to the bone and fighting wicked mommy guilt. 

Are we helping, or making new friends?

Over the weekend I learned that a new refugee family arrived last week from Colombia. I was really taken aback from the news. I am from Colombia. I immigrated to the United States when I was about 4 years old and our family saw its fair share of violence in the country. Yet I was shocked that refugees existed in Colombia. I asked what their story was and why they were here, but the woman from the resettlement agency didn’t know. 

In fact, I learned that they aren’t told why any of the families are here or what their story is. At first I resisted that policy. “But why?” I asked. And then as I thought about it more, I realized that this is probably a really good thing. These families have already been through enough. They’ve been through an extensive vetting process (see link here) and have proven themselves probably time and again that they’re worthy of coming to the United States. I think that once they step foot here, it’s time to leave those stories behind and not view them based on their past, but welcome them as new citizens and new friends. 

Anyway, I asked to reach out to this family as they didn’t speak english. After meeting several families with whom I couldn’t speak, I jumped at this chance. “I SPEAK SPANISH! I CAN HELP THEM!” I was super excited. I wanted to welcome them and let them know they had someone who spoke their language if they needed anything. Yesterday I spoke to the mom over the phone and we set a date for me and a friend to go visit them on Saturday. I’m pretty excited. Ok, I’m crazy excited. What should I take them? Cookies, cupcakes? What says "Welcome to The United States?"

The Power of Furbabies

They say that pets have a calming and even therapeutic effect on our lives. Some research suggests that they help lower blood pressure, release endorphins which help us relax, and even help with mental health, i.e. anxiety, depression, etc. 

We got a puppy over the summer, Beesly (Pam Beesly Reese to be exact). We brought home this 12lb, 10 week old puppy who was a ton of work including middle of the night potty runs, chewing, training, zoomies, etc. She flipped our lives upside down. But I'll say that she's totally been worth it. 

Ever day I take her for a long walk in the morning, and in addition to helping me get my steps in, those walks really slow down my anxious and racing mind. I watch her sniff and enjoy all the nooks and crannies of our neighborhood. I stare at the squirrels along with her, smiling at how silly they are. We take afternoon naps and I sleep much less than she does as I can't stop staring at her while she snores and wiggles.

Some may scoff at the loads of attention that a puppy requires. This isn't a perfect relationship. Good god, housebreaking was hard (and gross). We can only leave her alone for a few hours at a time, making our family routine limited. But in the end, she's worth it. My mental health is worth it. I'm grateful to her for slowing me down, making me get outside, and forcing me to stop and smell the roses. 

Thanks Beesly. We love you!

Black Friday - Less things, more experiences.

Today in the United States consumers participate in the largest shopping day of the season, the day that financially predicts the holiday buying season. It's a big day for retailers, however, I'm not so sure that it's great for consumers. 

Our family abides by the motto "less things, more experiences." I often wish that instead of buying so many tangible goods, we'd purchase services, classes, outdoor trips, etc. I really like REI's Black Friday #optoutside event. It challenges us to get outside and spend time together. 

There's a lot of emotion in purchasing gifts. We want to make people feel good, feel special, feel loved. However, I think that's better achieved with experiences rather than things. Do you remember the toys you got every year for your birthday or the holidays? Outside from a bike one year, I surely don't. I do however remember family vacations, events, and parties. I remember going to sleep away camp, a gift I got for my birthday one year. Trips, experiences, that's what lasts in our memories forever. 

Fear and Elizabeth Gilbert

I've been listening to Elizabeth Gilbert's book Big Magic. I bought it because I've really enjoyed listening to her lectures lately. You see, by nature I am a fearful, hypervigilent person. I'm not quite amassing a basements worth of canned goods or anything, but I do allow my mind to cannonball down a rabbit hole of doubt and doom. Most of this is serious impostor syndrome (sprinkled with some traumas along the way). I think things will go horribly wrong because in the past they have.. 

Anyway, Elizabeth's experiences seem somewhat similar to mine when it comes to fear. I'm sure we all feel it. I was recently talking to a fellow photographer about my refugee family project and he said, "you need to make sure these images are seen." I told him I was waiting until I had enough, or a broad enough portfolio. He flat out said, "Don't do that. Get those images out now." Validation feels good. A gentle push feels good. I need to remember to pay that forward to other photographers, or anyone who needs a gentle push. 

Elizabeth says she lives with fear every single day. She says it's good to have it because it's what keeps us alert and safe. However, when it comes to creativity or even daily living, it's often more of an annoying companion. We're not always in mortal danger. And fear ends up paralyzing us or stopping us from exploring anything new. So... I'll keep the companion instead of trying to kill it, and ask it to have a seat and keep quiet unless I'm about to die. Oh... and I'll get those images out. 

Thanks Elizabeth.

I've got this camera, now what do I do?

I have these two friends, we'll call them Jenny and John. They live in Cambodia where they help girls and women who have been trafficked to learn a skill so they can thrive after their rescue. That's a real nutshell description, I know. But what struck me so much when they left to go do this was that they really answered whole-heartedly to a calling. There was a need for their skills, and they said "yes", sold everything and moved to a country on the other side of the world.

We keep in touch via social media and I've always envied the fact that they are enacting change. They are actively helping people with their talents. I've always wanted to do that. I remember during a messenger exchange with Jenny, I said "But I have this camera. I'm a photographer, and I have this camera, and I don't know what to do with it. I don't know how to help people with this camera." She sweetly wrote back something to the effect of "you'll find your way." 

So... here I am, photographing and making films about birth and families. I am embarking on a new journey to help refugees rebuild their family photographs, and I'm teaching media literacy. And on top of ALL OF THIS, I work at a hospital to make ends meet while I "find my way." I know that all of these things may seem different, but I can see the common road. For so long, I've felt flaky or ashamed that if I didn't have one very successful focus, I'd look like a loser. But recently, I found my way in that all of these projects and jobs accomplish what I set out to do which was to help people. 

I was watching a Marie Forleo video where she gives advice to "multi-passionate" people. By the way, if you don't know who Marie Forleo is... get on it. She's amazing. She mentions her fear when people ask, "so what do you do?" and looking flakey. Her answer is "man, what don't I do." I've taken that to heart. "Embrace your flake" as she says and be real and unashamed about what you do while #givingzeroducks what people think. 

So... what do I do? I'm multipassionate about helping people. I use photography to accomplish that goal.  

Whew... that felt good to write down.